06 May Exceptional and Exhausted #1: The Paradox at the Heart of People-Pleasing Leadership
Exceptional and Exhausted, Newsletter Series 1
On the paradox at the heart of people-pleasing leadership, and what it actually costs.
Exhausted people-pleasing leaders share a paradox that deserves to be said directly. The people who are best at making everyone else comfortable are often the least comfortable themselves. The leaders who are most attuned to what others need have frequently lost contact with what they need. The Directors who have spent years making sure everyone around them is satisfied, supported, and seen are often none of those things themselves.
They are exceptional at pleasing. They are rarely pleased.
And there is a particular exhaustion that comes with this. Not just the exhaustion of doing too much, though that is real. But the exhaustion of the internal contradiction. Of being genuinely, deeply kind to the people around you while somewhere underneath, a part of you is waiting for someone to extend that same kindness back. Of caring so well for others that you have almost forgotten what it feels like to care that well for yourself.
Exceptional on the outside. Running on empty underneath. And increasingly aware that something about this equation does not add up.
The Pattern Underneath
Most people-pleasing Directors do not experience it as people-pleasing. They experience it as responsibility. As professionalism. As being the kind of leader who holds things together when others will not.
Underneath that is an unconscious pull: I am needed, I am special, I am seen, thus I feel loved. Which is why it persists so long. And why it costs so much. Research on leadership identity and belonging consistently shows that when our sense of worth becomes tied to usefulness, the pattern becomes self-reinforcing.
Not just in career terms, though it does cost there too. But in something more personal. The gradual distance from your own preferences, your own pace, your own sense of what a good day actually feels like.
At some point the question stops being what does everyone else need from me today and needs to become what do I actually want. You might have noticed already that this is surprisingly not as easy to answer as the simplicity of the question would imply.
What This Newsletter Is
This is not a newsletter about becoming tactically harder. Or caring less. Or finding some tougher, more strategic version of yourself that can finally play the corporate game without flinching.
This is a newsletter about what happens when exhausted people-pleasing leaders decide to finally lead on their own terms. What that actually takes. What gets in the way. And what becomes possible on the other side. One edition at a time. No tips. No hacks. Just the real work, written honestly, for the people who are ready for it.
If that is you, welcome. You are in exactly the right place. And if you are ready to go deeper, you can find out more about my executive leadership coaching programme.
One Question to Close With
I will leave you with one question for this first edition. Not to answer out loud, but to sit with.
When was the last time you made a decision at work that was purely about what you wanted, with no calculation about how it would land with everyone else?
If an answer comes quickly, notice it. If it does not come at all, that is worth noticing too.
Also in this series: The Diary of a People-Pleaser 1 and The Diary of a People-Pleaser 2.
Learning to please yourself, one step at a time.
Becoming the leader your next level is already waiting for
Danguole Litvinskaite, The Leadership Coach Exceptional & Exhausted Senior Leaders Eventually Find
Frequently Asked Questions
Why are the most caring leaders often the most exhausted?
Because the same attunement that makes them exceptional at reading what others need gradually disconnects them from what they need themselves. The energy flows consistently outward. The internal account runs low. And the exhaustion that follows is not only physical. It is the exhaustion of an internal contradiction that has been running quietly for years, waiting for someone to finally name it.
Why does people-pleasing persist even when the leader knows it is costing them?
Because it is not experienced as people-pleasing. It is experienced as responsibility. As professionalism. As being the kind of leader who holds things together. Underneath that is an unconscious equation: being needed feels like being valued, and being valued feels like being safe. When worth becomes tied to usefulness in that way, the pattern becomes self-reinforcing. Knowing this is true does not, on its own, change the equation.
What does it actually cost to lead from people-pleasing for years?
More than most people realise until they stop and look. The career costs are real: the stalled promotion, the invisible results, the territory claimed by others with less output and more authority. But the deeper cost is more personal. A gradual distance from your own preferences, your own pace, your own sense of what a good day feels like. At some point the question of what you actually want becomes surprisingly difficult to answer. That difficulty is worth taking seriously.
Is it possible to lead on your own terms without becoming harder or less caring?
Yes. And that is precisely the distinction that matters most. The goal is not a tougher, more strategic version of yourself that finally stops flinching. The goal is a freer version. One where the warmth and the care are still fully present but come from genuine choice rather than from the fear of what happens if you stop. What that actually takes, and what gets in the way, is rarely what people expect when they begin.
About the Author
Danguole Litvinskaite is an executive leadership coach based in Switzerland, specialising in helping exceptional and exhausted senior leaders advance without losing themselves in the process. With 14 years in investment banking across 4 countries, an ICF PCC credential, and 3,000+ executive coaching sessions, she works with senior leaders in tech, finance, consulting, and global financial institutions. Her 3-month intensive, The Integration Method, addresses the overdelivering pattern at the level where it actually lives, combining corporate strategy, leadership psychology, nervous system regulation, and career navigation. Clients include senior leaders at the largest tech companies, Big 4 firms, and global financial institutions.
ICF PCC certified — verified profile
Book a Free Turning Point Call
or email info@coachandyou.com