06 May The Diary of a People-Pleaser #1: I Caught Myself Doing It Again
The Diary of a People-Pleaser, Series 1
A people-pleasing director diary is not something most executive coaches write. This is not the polished version. This is the Tuesday afternoon version — the one where I write what I actually noticed, what I actually felt, and what I got wrong before I got it right. If you want the more formal writing, it lives on my blog. This is the behind-the-scenes room.
There is something almost comedic about being a coach who specialises in people-pleasing patterns while still catching yourself people-pleasing on a Tuesday afternoon.
I had a call last week. A potential client, a Director at a large financial institution, sharp, self-aware, clearly exhausted. Forty minutes in, she said something like: “I just do not want to disappoint anyone.” I felt the sentence land in my chest before I could respond professionally to it.
Because I knew that sentence. Not theoretically. From the inside.
I built my entire banking career on that sentence. Fourteen years of not wanting to disappoint anyone: my managers, my clients, my colleagues, my own internal standards of what a good professional looked like. I was exceptional at it. I was also, by the end, completely hollowed out by it.
The People-Pleasing Director Diary: What I Do Not Say Enough
I still catch it in myself. The impulse to say yes when I mean not right now. The over-explanation when a simple no would do. The checking: did that land well, did I say too much, did I take up too much space in that conversation?
The pattern does not disappear. It becomes conscious. And consciousness, it turns out, is everything, but it is not the same as being free. Yet.
What I Have Been Thinking About This Week
The difference between insight and change.
Every people-pleasing Director I work with arrives already knowing. They know the pattern. They have read the books, done the therapy, taken the assessment that confirmed what they already suspected. They are not lacking awareness. And yet knowing about the cage and being free of it are two entirely different things. The cage can be completely visible and still completely effective.
I knew about my own pattern for years before anything actually shifted. I could describe it with clinical precision while living it with complete unconsciousness. The gap between those two things — between knowing and changing — is where I do most of my work now. With clients. And sometimes, often actually, with myself. This is also the core argument in what actually changes the people-pleasing pattern — insight alone is never enough. Research in leadership self-awareness consistently confirms this gap is real and significant.
Who I Am, If You Found Me Here First
Hello. I am Danguole. I spent fourteen years in investment banking saying yes to everything, burned out at Director level when that stopped working, and now I spend my days helping other people-pleasing Directors find their way out of the same pattern — and very often into a promotion, be it to Vice President or simply a fuller, less exhausting life.
I am also, for the record, still finding my own way out some days. That is probably why this work means what it means to me. If you are ready to explore this, you can find out more about my executive leadership coaching programme.
One Last Thing
The most people-pleasing thing I ever did was become an expert in people-pleasing: admitting it, owning it, and loving it. Something magical happened when I allowed myself to be a priority on my own list, without guilt or second-guessing.
Warm welcome to The Diary of a People-Pleaser. So thrilled you are here. More soon.
Learning to please yourself, one step at a time.
Danguole Litvinskaite, The Leadership Coach Exceptional & Exhausted Senior Leaders Eventually Find
Frequently Asked Questions
Can you be a coach specialising in people-pleasing and still have lived it yourself?
Yes, and that lived experience is precisely what makes the work credible. Understanding the pattern intellectually is one thing. Building the self-leadership toolkit to expand beyond it — through awareness, conscious practice, and sustained support — is something else entirely. That journey from hollowed-out high performer to a career and life chosen rather than compelled is not theoretical here. It is the ground the coaching stands on.
What is the difference between knowing about people-pleasing and actually changing it?
Every people-pleasing Director arrives already knowing. They have read the books, done the therapy, taken the assessments. Awareness is not what is missing. And yet the cage can be completely visible and still completely effective. The gap between knowing and changing — between insight and a genuinely different way of operating — is where most well-intentioned advice stops. It is also where the real work begins.
What does people-pleasing look like in a senior leadership career?
It looks like years of saying yes to everything. Of not wanting to disappoint managers, clients, colleagues, or your own internal standards of what a good professional looks like. It looks exceptional from the outside and completely hollowed out from the inside. The overdelivering that built the career becomes, at a certain point, the thing that limits it. Most leaders sense this before they can name it.
Is it possible to become a priority on your own list without guilt?
Yes, and when it genuinely shifts it tends to surprise people. Not because the caring disappears, but because it changes quality. The leader who shows up from genuine choice rather than from the fear of disappointing someone carries a completely different authority. Getting there requires more than intention. It requires a supported space to practice something the nervous system has been wired against for decades.
About the Author
Danguole Litvinskaite is an executive leadership coach based in Switzerland, specialising in helping exceptional and exhausted senior leaders advance without losing themselves in the process. With 14 years in investment banking across 4 countries, an ICF PCC credential, and 3,000+ executive coaching sessions, she works with senior leaders in tech, finance, consulting, and global financial institutions. Her 3-month intensive, The Integration Method, addresses the overdelivering pattern at the level where it actually lives, combining corporate strategy, leadership psychology, nervous system regulation, and career navigation. Clients include senior leaders at the largest tech companies, Big 4 firms, and global financial institutions.
ICF PCC certified — verified profile
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