06 May The Diary of a People-Pleaser #1: I Caught Myself Doing It Again

The Diary of a People-Pleaser — Series 1

This is a people-pleasing director diary. Not the polished version. The Tuesday afternoon version — the one where I write what I actually noticed, what I actually felt, and what I got wrong before I got it right. If you want the more formal writing, it lives on my blog. This is the behind-the-scenes room.

There is something almost comedic about being a coach who specialises in people-pleasing patterns while still catching yourself people-pleasing on a Tuesday afternoon.

I had a call last week. A potential client — a Director at a large financial institution, sharp, self-aware, clearly exhausted. Forty minutes in, she said something like: “I just do not want to disappoint anyone.” I felt the sentence land in my chest before I could respond professionally to it.

Because I knew that sentence. Not theoretically. From the inside.

I built my entire banking career on that sentence. Fourteen years of not wanting to disappoint anyone — my managers, my clients, my colleagues, my own internal standards of what a good professional looked like. I was exceptional at it. I was also, by the end, completely hollowed out by it.

The People-Pleasing Director Diary: What I Do Not Say Enough

I still catch it in myself. The impulse to say yes when I mean not right now. The over-explanation when a simple no would do. The checking: did that land well, did I say too much, did I take up too much space in that conversation?

The pattern does not disappear. It becomes conscious. And consciousness, it turns out, is everything — but it is not the same as being free. Yet.

What I Have Been Thinking About This Week

The difference between insight and change.

Every people-pleasing Director I work with arrives already knowing. They know the pattern. They have read the books, done the therapy, taken the assessment that confirmed what they already suspected. They are not lacking awareness. And yet — knowing about the cage and being free of it are two entirely different things. The cage can be completely visible and still completely effective.

I knew about my own pattern for years before anything actually shifted. I could describe it with clinical precision while living it with complete unconsciousness. The gap between those two things — between knowing and changing — is where I do most of my work now. With clients. And sometimes, often actually, with myself. Research in leadership self-awareness consistently confirms this gap is real and significant.

Who I Am, If You Found Me Here First

Hello. I am Danguole. I spent fourteen years in investment banking saying yes to everything, burned out at Director level when that stopped working, and now I spend my days helping other people-pleasing Directors find their way out of the same pattern — and very often into a promotion, be it to Vice President or simply a fuller, less exhausting life.

I am also, for the record, still finding my own way out some days. That is probably why this work means what it means to me. If you are ready to explore this, you can find out more about my executive leadership coaching programme.

One Last Thing

The most people-pleasing thing I ever did was become an expert in people-pleasing — admitting it, owning it, and loving it. Something magical happened when I allowed myself to be a priority on my own list, without guilt or second-guessing.

Warm welcome to The Diary of a People-Pleaser. So thrilled you are here. More soon.

Learning to please yourself, one step at a time.

Danguole, The Leadership Coach People-Pleasing Directors Eventually Find